Sunday, June 21, 2009

Phili for the Weekend

Dan and I have been dying to get away for at least a weekend. The last time we went away, we went to Florida when Will was seven months old and I spent the entire week sick. There was no beach or pool. Anyway, for the past month, we've been deciding on where to go. There were several options: Catskills, Poconos, Washington DC, Ocean City, MA, down the Shore, and Philadelphia.

We decided on Phili because the weekend was going to be a washout. We figured we would see the aquarium, the zoo, and museums even if it rained. The hotel we booked was in King of Prussia right outside of Valley Forge just in case it didn't rain. Everything seemed like a great plan. We got to the hotel and saw that we were across the street from the King of Prussia Mall, which is enormous. There was a Chili's across the street as well. Not bad!

We expected rain, but man the weather was awful. It was just pouring. We did make it to Valley Forge. We walked a good mile into the park and then it started pouring on us. Will kept on having meltdowns because he was strapped into his stroller the majority of the time. It was a mess. We only made it to Philadelphia for a couple of hours. We never got to see any of the sights we had planned on. We couldn't get off and walk around because of the downpour.

We did make it to Pat's King of Steaks and Geno's Steaks. They are suppose to be the best in steak sandwiches. They're across the street from each other and the lines are long. Guess what? We tried a sandwich from each place and did not care for either one of the them. You want great steak sandwiches? Then go to Dos Amigos in West New York, NJ. This place puts them to shame.

Besides all the downs we had, we did enjoy ourselves as much as we could. We watched two movies while we were rained in. We did make it into the mall and walked around a lot. The one thing I do regret is that we never got to go out to dinner at a nice place. I really wanted a sit down dinner to celebrate Father's Day, but it was impossible.

Today turned out to be the nicest day of the weekend. We got to hang out at the mall, Will cooperated, and the traffic on the way home was pretty good. We both have tomorrow off, which we need to recuperate. Overall, we had a nice time. We'll just have to go back when the rain gods are on vacation.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

This One is All About Me

I truly believe that you have control over your life. At times, it's difficult to swallow that pill. Life throws curve balls at you and you think there's no way you would do this to yourself. Well, you purposely don't, but you do. On days that I'm cranky or I'm plain bitchy, my day goes wrong. On days that I'm feeling fine, they tend to go better.

For quite a few years now, I've been racking my brain on why if I meditate often, try my hardest to see the best in people, always try to be as kind as possible, and have changed the way I view the world am I still stuck. Well for starters, I'm concerned on why I'm stuck, which by the Law of Attraction means that I'm attracting more situations that keep me stuck. Besides that, there's an underlying theme going on with me. I don't take care of myself.

Now, I don't mean that I'm unhealthy or that I'm some kind of a slob. On the contrary, I eat healthy most of the times and I take care of my appearance. The problem lies in feeling guilty about purchasing stuff for myself. I feel so guilty all the time. I drive myself crazy about it. For instance, my flat iron broke about a year ago. I've been agonizing about buying a new one ever since. The reason I don't is because I don't want to spend the money on it because the money could be used for something else. If I get birthday money, I tend to spend it on bills instead of myself.

This obsession I have with going without is what has me going without. It finally hit me from two weird dreams I had about a week ago. The first dream, I was told to place a plate under my bed because I had a spirit that was holding me back. It would be an offering so that the spirit would not be without. The second dream, I was in hell (not the hot one; more like an alternate reality) and was hiding from the Devil because he hated me. I specifically remember questioning my existence in hell since I had not been a bad person when alive. These dreams are my subconscious letting me know that I'm ruining my existence.

The other day, I was at the mall. I wanted to buy a new top and shoes. Since I've lost so much weight, I'm pretty much out of clothes to wear and have to rebuild my wardrobe. I know that I need to shop, but that whole guilt thing keeps me from buying stuff because it's too much money and I convince myself that I don't really need it. Well, I fought these evil demons and bought my top and shoes. I felt horrible the entire time I was trying them on and even flirted with the idea of leaving the items at the stores. Luckily, Dan was shopping with me and pushed me to get them. He can't stand how I always find a way out of buying stuff for myself. If it wasn't for him, I would own less clothes and shoes.

This particular incident also had me thinking. Why should I feel bad about buying myself stuff? I need a new top and I'm in desperate need of shoes. Why should I feel guilty? Then it all hit me: the dreams, the way my life always seems to lack (and what I mean by that is that I always state that I can't afford this or that), and my guilt. I'm the spirit that's holding me back. I'm in hell because I put myself there. It's all my doing.

I can't move forward in life until I get rid of my hang-ups. I declared to me and to Dan that I will be updating my wardrobe and will not feel guilty doing so. Of course, I'm not going on a shopping spree, but I will no longer carry that dead weight around. It's time to shed my old skin and get comfortable with the new one. I'm buying clothes that I like and need and that's the end of it! Yay!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Date Night

On June 3rd, Dan and I had a date night. We've had this plan for several weeks now since we need a babysitter for the night. We are extremely lucky that my parents are always willing to babysit him. They do so while I'm at work and once in a blue moon we ask them to so that we could go out. Since we were going to a Yankee game and they were playing at night, I packed up his pajamas and extra food because the chances were that he would be asleep by the time we got home. I was working the morning shift at my job the following day, which made it pointless to drag him out of my parents' place to come back in the morning.

We had a blast. The Yankees were loosing, but we were enjoying ourselves. The stadium is beautiful. We had beer, delicious garlic fries, and nachos. Our date was wonderful. We did leave the game early, but not early enough to pick the baby up. My mom told me he was asleep and not to bother. So, we went home.

The following morning, we both went to work. I called my mom to make sure Will was doing fine. I really was missing him terribly. Everything was fine until around 5:00-6:00pm. My mother told me that he was kind of crying and very sad. My heart dropped. I finally made it to their place and walked through the door. Will looked at me, began pouting, started crying, ran to me, and hugged me. He just cried a sad cry and held on to me for about a good five minutes. I kept on apologizing to him and explaining where we had gone and he just held me. I asked for a kiss and he wouldn't give me one. I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear.

After he let go of me, he went directly to my mother's arms and kept a very serious face. He was mad at me. He stared at me with those gorgeous sad eyes and my heart kept on sinking. I started playing with him giving him kisses and poking his nose and after about a minute of me doing that, his frown turned into a smile. He let go of my mother and gave me a kiss.

I feel so horrible for putting him through this anguish. Date nights will have to be put on hold until we find someone reliable enough that could stay at our place when we go out. No more of this sleeping over anyone's place until he's old enough to understand that we're not abandoning him. I never want to see that look on his face again. Besides, it's a lot of work for my mother. I don't want to burden her anymore than I already am.


Tuesday, June 02, 2009

NY Times Article on Kids

Dan forwarded me an article from the NY Times called The Way We Live Now-Let the Kid Be. Let me tell you, it got me thinking. I'm a worry wort by nature. I worry about the simplest things even if there's no need for any concern on my part. I've toned it down over the years, but with Will around, it's creeping back up. I worry about his feelings. I don't want to see him get hurt, which is really part of life. I worry about me not educating him enough. I really worry about that one. I try not to do this, but sometimes I compare where each child is at to Will. I know, this is utterly ridiculous. He's a smart little boy. He's learning new words every single day. If I took the time and wrote down every single word he utters, it would probably be at least 100 words (personally, I think it's more). Besides talking up a storm, he knows how to tell us what he needs.

The worry wort in me obsesses with wanting to sign him up in every single class possible to ensure that he's well rounded. I get upset when I work nights now because I'm not around him and worry that he'll be scarred emotionally by this. I make sure that on the mornings I'm off or on any day off that I'm out and about with him (especially now that the weather is nicer). I want to buy him every single educational toy there is out there. He needs to be learning.

The point is that this is not healthy for any of us. He's fine and I need to accept that. I will still take him out because that's me, but I need to relax on all the other stuff. I need to be my own person, too. My free time is very limited and I just want to be able to sit down for half an hour and not have to worry about anything. I want to be myself. I think Will would want the same for me. The article is great and I suggest you take the time to read it.