Tuesday, June 16, 2009

This One is All About Me

I truly believe that you have control over your life. At times, it's difficult to swallow that pill. Life throws curve balls at you and you think there's no way you would do this to yourself. Well, you purposely don't, but you do. On days that I'm cranky or I'm plain bitchy, my day goes wrong. On days that I'm feeling fine, they tend to go better.

For quite a few years now, I've been racking my brain on why if I meditate often, try my hardest to see the best in people, always try to be as kind as possible, and have changed the way I view the world am I still stuck. Well for starters, I'm concerned on why I'm stuck, which by the Law of Attraction means that I'm attracting more situations that keep me stuck. Besides that, there's an underlying theme going on with me. I don't take care of myself.

Now, I don't mean that I'm unhealthy or that I'm some kind of a slob. On the contrary, I eat healthy most of the times and I take care of my appearance. The problem lies in feeling guilty about purchasing stuff for myself. I feel so guilty all the time. I drive myself crazy about it. For instance, my flat iron broke about a year ago. I've been agonizing about buying a new one ever since. The reason I don't is because I don't want to spend the money on it because the money could be used for something else. If I get birthday money, I tend to spend it on bills instead of myself.

This obsession I have with going without is what has me going without. It finally hit me from two weird dreams I had about a week ago. The first dream, I was told to place a plate under my bed because I had a spirit that was holding me back. It would be an offering so that the spirit would not be without. The second dream, I was in hell (not the hot one; more like an alternate reality) and was hiding from the Devil because he hated me. I specifically remember questioning my existence in hell since I had not been a bad person when alive. These dreams are my subconscious letting me know that I'm ruining my existence.

The other day, I was at the mall. I wanted to buy a new top and shoes. Since I've lost so much weight, I'm pretty much out of clothes to wear and have to rebuild my wardrobe. I know that I need to shop, but that whole guilt thing keeps me from buying stuff because it's too much money and I convince myself that I don't really need it. Well, I fought these evil demons and bought my top and shoes. I felt horrible the entire time I was trying them on and even flirted with the idea of leaving the items at the stores. Luckily, Dan was shopping with me and pushed me to get them. He can't stand how I always find a way out of buying stuff for myself. If it wasn't for him, I would own less clothes and shoes.

This particular incident also had me thinking. Why should I feel bad about buying myself stuff? I need a new top and I'm in desperate need of shoes. Why should I feel guilty? Then it all hit me: the dreams, the way my life always seems to lack (and what I mean by that is that I always state that I can't afford this or that), and my guilt. I'm the spirit that's holding me back. I'm in hell because I put myself there. It's all my doing.

I can't move forward in life until I get rid of my hang-ups. I declared to me and to Dan that I will be updating my wardrobe and will not feel guilty doing so. Of course, I'm not going on a shopping spree, but I will no longer carry that dead weight around. It's time to shed my old skin and get comfortable with the new one. I'm buying clothes that I like and need and that's the end of it! Yay!

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